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What had I done? I encouraged Jack in a relationship that Iwasn't interested in pursuing. I did that for my own sexual pleasure. Andnow, a real psychologist, who knows what she's talking about has given meassignments to explore this life I've gotten myself into. I can't blameMother for forcing me into it. I can't blame Mrs. Davis or Mother fortricking me into the date when I know that down deep inside, I wanted togo.So here I am, dear reader, writing in my journal at a major turning point,writing to you, to Dr. Davis, to the world, asking for advice. Not thatI'd expect it because you can't possibly know the answers. Nobody knowsthe answers. I don't think there are any answers. I can just accept thefact that I'm a girl, trapped in a guy's body and that I should pursue theobvious. It's sad in a way, because James will just fade away, and Jamiewill blossom. One of us has to leave. I can't live in two different modesall the time. I can't keep fighting about not being gay. I wouldn't. But it was no accident a few minutes later when I felt an exploratory toe against my calf. I could not blatantly look under the table to see who it was, I looked at Simone but she had gone quiet and was sitting apparently passively (but her eyes were resting in my direction, I noted). Vicky was also quiet but had a more focused expression on her face, when she saw I was looking at her she gave me a little smile and the rubbing against my leg grew stronger. I moved my leg away and cranked up the conversation. I deliberately kept to neutral topics — City talk, political gossip, that sort of thing — in which the twins had exhibited no interest but they seemed to be hanging on my every word and when I ventured on some mild joke they both collapsed in fits of giggles. Even George noticed. ‘It wasn’t that funny,’ he said (accurately but, I thought, rather ungraciously). Finally the meal came to an end and George ushered us all into the drawing room (which was different from the sitting.
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